I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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