just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
