so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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