I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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