Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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