I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
there is puke in my bra ... again
We smell like vodka and hangover
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