why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
