Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
