i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Please don't give away my fajitas
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
