Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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