I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
