Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
