I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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