Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
