I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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