Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We got so high we made milksteak
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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