We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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