my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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