if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
