i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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