There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
