The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
