She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think your dad took our porno
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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