I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
