I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
