Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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