If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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