K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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