So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
