u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
