Your dad touched me again.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
