Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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