woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
