The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
