I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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