I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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