I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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