I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
