Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
