did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
