So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
