Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
