Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
