I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
