remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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