Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
