why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
