If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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