somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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