I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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