This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
